slowly learning

today I practiced cello for five hours. and piano for one hour. my left hand is executing pitches accurately and my sound is starting to open up more. I got a lot of work done and feel like I genuinely improved. Yet, despite my progress and hard work, I feel like I have only wasted my time.

one of the first things they tell you when you start to play an instrument is to be patient. patient so that you can practice techniques over and over again until they are automatic and effortless. patient so that your musical vocabulary and understanding can mature and parallel the great players of the world. patient so that you can practice hard and tune your focus so that it is as efficient as possible.

music teaches you patience.

as a child, this made to sense to me in a logical, linear way. I was often told that if you put in enough hours, you'll become a great musician. I remember going to classical concerts as a kid and being interrupted by my mother leaning over to whisper to me about how much they must have practiced to sound so good. ignoring her, I listened on, trying to block out the fact that I was going to have to practice when I got home. practice for the rest of my life. classical music didn't seem like such a big deal: some people play well and some people don't. The classical music crowd comes to concerts and everyone else doesn't. I recognized classical music's worth to the audience and realized the importance of practice, but I never thought about how musicians were able to practice. I knew that they did, or at least had at one point, but because I didn't practice a lot myself I never realized the amount of devotion and selflessness required to be good.

the road to mastery requires being able to work and work and work and then be able to look at the big picture and say that you belong. to believe that you are in the right place in your development and know that any doubts are simply juvenile and unnecessary. this type of patience is not attained quickly nor can it be summarized with words. it's a sense of knowing. it's awareness that you are enough.

I envy visual artists who can simply sign their name on a piece of work and be done with it. the artist is never truly done working, but at least he/she can have the satisfaction of concluding the piece they have slaved over. musicians do not share the same luxury. instead, musicians work on pieces their whole lives and never finish. they practice selflessly and painfully until they can't anymore and don't even get close to finishing what they have started. The beauty of it all is that classical musicians know this to be true from the day they realize that music is more than playing instruments, but allowing the soul to depart the body and ignite through song. being rid of all earthly desires and worries and tapping into a feeling that has existed through music for millennia.

i'm only starting to get a glimpse now. only starting to realize that I am a flag-bearer of one of the oldest traditions known to man. it's frustrating, but i am grateful for it.